LOCAL FOOD TRUCKS DRAG RACE THROUGH TOWN

The cup of rage finally floweth’d over last Friday between the two alpha food trucks of Wolfskill: El Berduzco and The Meathorn. Although these culinary cruisers initially tried bloodshed to settle things, they ultimately decided that was too dangerous and opted for a street race through town instead. Albeit, blood was still shed, but at least a winner emerged.

Separated by no more than 200 feet down the same street, the thick, hate-marinated beef between the two food trucks had been slow cooking for years. El Berduzco with its tried and true Mexican dishes had claimed the territory next to the Nariani Muts Artificial Dog factory for decades. Then one day about 5 years ago, the Meathorn food truck and its bodacious bbq parked just a hawk tua away. Needless to say, the air became dense with the scent of Mexican food, bbq…and TENSION!

The owners eventually met in the middle of the street, tied their left hands together with a rope, and had a knife fight. Horrifying as the sight was, sources told the Rumor that after a few cuts and a near circumcision, they called off the fight and decided they’d race to decide who gets to stay on the street. 

Sources also confirmed the deal included the loser having to drive their truck into the pit hole in the middle of Lake Cherryessa just west of Wolfskill.

“It was wild, man. Seeing those two food trucks line up at the stoplight at Mailroad Avenue. I’m pretty sure both trucks were filled with employees too,” said local, Deborah Hurts. “I might have been mistaken, though. I was smoking a doobie from Boobie’s Brewing and just wanted the stupid race to be over with so I could order my tacos. Was thinking about ordering 20. All carnitas, and wasn’t gonna share a damn one of them with anybody.”

The green light turned yellow then to red - as did the food trucks’ RPM’s. Eventually, the trucks’ gathered enough speed and begun a furious race around the perimeter of town. Their top speeds were recorded going down the straightaway of Beimann Street - a school zone - at 120 mph. About the average speed the towns’ drivers go down that street on a school day.

After exchanging the lead many-o-time, El Berduzco edged ahead of the Meathorn on the final straightaway down Main Street. However, a group of middle schoolers were riding their bicycles clogging up the entire road going against traffic and doing wheelies. The Berduzco driver was reportedly overcome with a sense of duty and increased his speed and drove directly into the middle school bicyclists nobody likes. It is unconfirmed if the driver screamed, “Valhalla!” as he committed this act.

“It was a mess for sure, but necessary. One might even say…messessary…for those boys to learn a lesson. And no, none of them bit the dust. I saw what was happening and cast a spell to keep them safe. I’m honestly surprised nobody hit them sooner,” said local Necromancer, Lawrence VanDerHole. “It’ll take some doing but I’ll be able to get those boys put back together by this evening. Luckily, I’ll be able to do so with their heads ever so slightly pulled out of their asses so they don’t decide to ride in the middle of the road again.”

While Berduzco bowled through the idiot cyclists, the Meathorn took the lead and was mere feet away from the finish line approaching the intersection Mailroad Avenue and Main Street. Unfortunately for the Meathorn, its subsidiary, The DevilChris Room, had left one of their famous, 'Formerly Free' loaves of bread on the road. The food truck struck the Formerly Free loaf and swerved into the DevilChris Room before exploding. A fate all-too-reminiscent of the O’Doyle family. 

Out of the midst of destruction emerged the Berduzco truck which had its blinker on to signal its merge into victory lane. Tacos were passed around as the crowd of Wolfskill locals swarmed the truck. The true winner and hero food truck of the town.

“My God, what a sight it was,” said local gambler and rambler, Brad Shocking. “I put all my money on the Meathorn to win. Yea, I lost, but the guy I owed died in the explosion after I dropped off the Formerly Free of bread on the street. So I got that going for me...which is nice.”